Total Load

Homeland Security

2007-10-23T10:23:00.001-06:00

There's no group more inspirational to Total Loan than Homeland Security.

Michael Chertoff, being the ultimate fire retardant, is sending 25,000 cots and blankets to shelters in wildfire-ravaged San Diego. Mike, if you have time, could you send some water too? And maybe rethink the send-evacuees-to-Qualcomm-Stadium plan. It didn't work out too well last time.

John Stamos

2007-07-03T12:32:00.000-06:00

Just for saying that he's no David Hasselhoff. Why would he aim so high?

Thanks, China

2007-06-28T13:08:00.000-06:00

You guys just won't give up until we're all dead, will you?

US: Chinese Seafood Detained for Safety

Imports of five species of farmed Chinese seafood will be detained until they can be shown free of potentially dangerous antibiotics, federal health officials said Thursday.

Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization

2007-06-26T21:44:00.000-06:00

Researchers will visit the Upper Peninsula of Michigan next month to search for evidence of Bigfoot. I really hope they find him.

Florida golfers

2007-06-26T15:37:00.000-06:00

So this idiot goes to get a ball out of a pond clearly labeled as dangerous and the gator bites it? Too bad he didn't get a good final meal out of it.

A man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water, authorities said.

It took seven Fish and Wildlife officers an hour to trap the one-eyed alligator, which measured 10 feet, 11 inches, Morse said.

The pond at the sixth hole has a "Beware of Alligator" sign.

Blockbuster

2007-06-26T13:45:00.000-06:00

Made the mistake of stopping at Blockbuster for an impromptu movie only to be accosted at the door by a woman demanding we sign up for Blockbuster Total Access. You would think that if you said "no thanks" at door, they would give up, but no, we were outsmarted and met again at the checkout line where she proceeded to ask every single person in line why they hadn't signed up.

Here's how it went:

Blockbuster: Why aren't you a Total Access member?
Victim: I just came in for one movie.
Blockbuster: Don't you want to save money?
Victim: No.
Blockbuster: What's stopping you from joining?
Victim: My mom.

As I stood behind this poor guy, I realized I was up next, and I was prepared.

Blockbuster: Why aren't you a Total Access member?
Me (not a victim!): We have NetFlix.
Blockbuster: Why would you use NetFlix and have to mess with all of the envelopes and pesky mailboxes when you can come here and drop it off?
Me: Well, I'm actually a busy person, so the mailbox at my desk at work actually works out very well.
Blockbuster: Don't you want to save money?
Me: No, not really. A few dollar difference is worth it to me to be less annoyed.

She gave up on me, finally, but I was left wondering why people stopping in to just rent a simple movie should have to fall victim to Blockbuster's marketing strategy-of-the-week.

Next time, if I don't have the time to wait for NetFlix, I'll be stopping at one of the redbox kiosks the grocery stores have now. New releases for $1 and nobody obnoxiously up selling me at every turn.

Motley Crue/Tommy Lee

2007-06-19T19:07:00.000-06:00

AP is reporting that Motley Crue is suing one of the band's managers for more than $20 million, claiming he pushed drummer Tommy Lee into doing two disastrous reality shows that took him away from the group and forced the cancellation of dozens of concerts.

The suit claimed that beginning in 2005, Stubner and Sanctuary got Lee involved in "bad career moves" including the short-lived reality TV show "Tommy Lee Goes to College." The show was "a ratings disaster" that portrayed Lee as "incoherent, lazy and incompetent," disruptive in classes and unable to keep a beat in a school marching band.

Incoherent, lazy and incompetent? That's an understatement. This guy managed to divorce Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson, drown someone's kid at a birthday party at his house and give poor Pam Hepatitus C. The rest of the band should stop bothering with their managers and go after Tommy for being such a tool.

China (again!)

2007-06-19T08:56:00.000-06:00

Why not take a queue from Disney and just put in a roller coaster?

China will begin Monday building a "highway" on Mount Qomolangma, the world's tallest peak, in southwest China's Tibet Autonomous Region so as to ease the path of those bearing the Olympic torch.

The project will take about four months. On completion, the highway will become the major route for tourists and mountaineers who are crowding onto Mount Qomolangma, known in the west as Mount Everest, in ever larger numbers.

Ted Nugent

2007-06-19T08:31:00.000-06:00

I probably should have added Ted months ago, but here he is complaining that Americans are losing their rights to eat meat and carry guns (I think that was his point anyway).

I beg to differ.

The fact that Ol' Nuge got this inane blog posting published at all proves Americans still have the right to be complete morons if they choose.

China

2007-06-19T08:27:00.000-06:00

The New York Times reports today on China's continued attempts to kill us.

Terry Semel

2007-06-18T15:47:00.000-06:00

Praise Jesus, he's finally out.

Alaskan Eskimos

2007-06-13T13:43:00.000-06:00

So this whale survives the first harvest attempt on its life, only to be taken down 100 years later by a similar weapon? I'm so glad we've made progress.

The whale harkens back to a far different era. If 130 years old, it would have been born in 1877, the year that Rutherford B. Hayes was sworn in as president, when federal Reconstruction troops withdrew from the South, and when Thomas Edison unveiled his newest invention, the phonograph.

Bob Cooksey

2007-05-31T15:31:00.000-06:00

I'm just guessing "dad" didn't think this was the right guy for his daughter.

The honeymooner quarantined with a dangerous strain of tuberculosis was identified Thursday as a 31-year-old personal injury lawyer whose new father-in-law is a CDC microbiologist specializing in the spread of TB.

The father-in-law, Bob Cooksey, would not comment on whether he reported his son-in-law to federal health authorities. He said only that he gave 31-year-old Andrew Speaker "fatherly advice" when he learned the young man had contracted the disease.

The CDC had no immediate comment.

Yahoo (again)

2007-05-24T14:43:00.001-06:00

Not sure about you, but this home page made me think there's been a sudden epidemic of Crohn's Disease that I should worry about. I looked it up and Crohn's affects 500,000 people in the U.S. Thanks to Yahoo, I suspect 1.5 million are about to be treated. Can't they sell an ad to Pepsi or something? Also thinking that if this is an example of Yahoo's new targeted ad solution, now I understand why Microsoft bought aQuantive.

ChickFilA

2007-05-08T12:59:00.000-06:00

How's this for irony. I love their food so much I decided to submit a comment on their website suggesting they expand into the Chicagoland area. I received a nice e-mail thanking me for my suggestion, but a few days later I received a more formal thank card from their corporate office letting me know they had no plans for my area, but as a thank you, they included a coupon for ... a free sandwich. How am I supposed to redeem that again?

New York

2007-05-01T19:53:00.000-06:00

No, not New York City, but VH1's Miss New York, aka Tiffany Patterson, now aka Kenya Simmons. In addition to that fraud, word is out that Sister Patterson (Miss New York's "mom") isn't even related to New York thus shattering the last little bit of faith I had in reality television (although Dustin Diamond on Celebrity Fit Club is giving New York a run for her loser money).

Lauren Nelson

2007-05-01T14:34:00.000-06:00

When did sex sting join the ranks of endorsement deal and hospital visit for how a Miss America spends her time?

Dr. Made K. Ramadhani

2007-05-01T14:27:00.000-06:00

A Dutch study is suggesting that left-handed women have a higher risk of dying from cancer and cerebrovascular disease. His next study "Bunions and Ebola: The Hidden Connection" is due in the fall.

Immigration Policy

2007-05-01T14:21:00.000-06:00

Maybe I'm oversimplifying the issue, but why do we make it so hard for hard-working people to become citizens? Are we too busy marching into other countries without invitation?

Travelodge

2007-04-30T20:22:00.001-06:00

Travelodge's 2007 sleep study found that the majority of working professionals they surveyed are getting fewer than the recommended eight hours of sleep every night.

"A notable trend has emerged from the top ten list of sleepdeprived professions. The majority work everchanging shifts which are notorious for confusing your body clock meaning disrupted sleep."

So tell me, is it inconsistent sleep patterns driving this sleep deprevation or is it, oh say, that it's because these poor people are sleeping at the Travelodge???

Spiegel Online

2007-04-30T20:10:00.000-06:00

German magazine, Spiegel, claims that Knut the polar bear has officially joined the ranks of babies, puppies, kittens and models everywhere by becoming less cute as he reaches adulthood.

AOL

2007-04-27T10:18:00.000-06:00

For not having an original idea left.

Condoleeza Rice

2007-04-26T11:39:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

Talk about a lightweight. How can our foreign policy have any credibility when she's still referring to Russia as the Soviet Union? Her slip gives credence to the idea that the Bush Administration is in a Cold War time warp.

"The idea that somehow 10 interceptors and a few radars in eastern Europe are going to threaten the Soviet strategic deterrent is purely ludicrous and everybody knows it," she said, referring to the Soviet Union in a slip of the tongue, even as she urged Russia to abandon Cold War thinking.

Brian Martin

2007-04-25T15:38:00.000-06:00

This guys claims he found Jesus in the clouds above Mt. Sinai on Google Earth. Looks like Homer Simpson to me. You be the judge.

Rudy Giuliani

2007-04-25T12:21:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, Rudy Giuliani said if a Democrat is elected president in 2008, the U.S. will be at risk for another terrorist attack on the scale of 9/11.

Guess it's never too early in an election season to play on people's fears.

NowPublic.com

2007-04-24T13:14:00.001-06:00

I just read a story about Kathleen Carroll at AP and how she's changed news gathering and distribution at AP. Apparently they recently partnered with NowPublic.com to help generate some community-generated news. Here's a good example of why I don't see that going anywhere.

Terry Semel

2007-04-23T14:42:00.000-06:00

Someone please fire this guy soon.

Associated Press

2007-04-21T20:55:00.000-06:00

AP sent this story out tonight:

Tech gunman bought ammo clips on eBay

How is that breaking news exactly? And why pick on eBay? There's some merit to the story, especially when you look at the other merchandise he purchased, but to single eBay out like it was illegal for them to broker a sale of ammunition is irresponsible.

Here is another list of Cho's merchants of choice (from Sunday's New York Times):

Over the next few weeks, he fulfilled the rest of his shopping list. Investigators said he went to the Wal-Mart in Christiansburg on March 31, April 7, April 8 and April 13. During those visits, he bought cargo pants, sunglasses and .22-caliber ammunition. He also bought a hunting knife, gloves, a phone item and a granola bar. He visited Dick’s Sporting Goods for extra magazines of ammunition. He got chains at Home Depot.

Air shows

2007-04-21T20:23:00.000-06:00

A Navy Blue Angel jet crashed during an air show in South Carolina, today killing the pilot and plunging into a neighborhood of small homes.

Why are there still air shows? We know planes go fast and that military planes go even faster. Taking an aircraft like this and making it perform dangerous maneuvers strictly for entertainment value can only appeal to a NASCAR-type mentality, right? And I don't mean the ones rooting for Dale Earnhardt Jr...I mean the ones hoping to see a crash.

Virgie Arthur

2007-04-19T14:52:00.001-06:00

I was willing to overlook her despite the sad attempts to get her hands on Dannielynn, but TMZ is reporting that Virgie's stepbrother fathered her son, David.

You might be a redneck if...

NBC News

2007-04-19T12:30:00.000-06:00

Virginia police, as well as some of the victims families, have criticized NBC for broadcasting photos and video made by Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung-Huithese (media that was sent directly from the shooter to NBC).

NBC and MSNBC (along with other networks) announced today that they will start to "severely limit" use of video.

NBC shouldn't be apologizing for airing the video. It's important for people to see what sickness could possibly motivate violence like this. That said, what they should be apologizing for is making sure the "NBC News" logo appeared on all broadcasts of the tape by other networks and news outlets.

You can't claim superiority for having immediately turned over the information to authorities , say you debated running it at all, but then blatantly market the fact that you were chosen distributor of a psychos ramblings. Nice to know that everything ends up a rating opportunity -- although it did work, you had a 7.4/15 share compared to Katie with a 4.2/8.

John McCain

2007-04-19T12:20:00.000-06:00

The Georgetown Times is reporting that at a rally Wednesday morning, presidential hopeful John McCain was asked if an attack on Iran is in the works. McCain began his answer by changing the words to the Beach Boys song, Barbara Ann, to "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran."

Between this and his crazy claims last month that Baghdad was safe to walk around, you gotta think he's gone a little crazy -- maybe a delayed reaction from his old prison cell days?

Guns

2007-04-17T08:48:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

Everyone is focusing on the school's reaction to the first shooting which is a distraction from the bigger story: How easy it is for a deranged person to get access to automatic fire arms -- even military assault weapons. It's crazy. The Second Amendment has to be one of the most antiquated and most misunderstood laws in the Constitution.

I think they should put a total ban on these high tech, automatic weapons and get much more stricter on permits for the guns that are allowed. It's really shameful that Congress has let the NRA bully them from passing any tougher gun legislation. They have the time to worry about steroids in baseball but don't take on issues like this.

Virginia Tech

2007-04-17T08:42:00.000-06:00

Truly an understatement to say that Virginia Tech officials let those kids down yesterday by not locking down the school after the first shooting.

Nailguns

2007-04-13T12:29:00.000-06:00

Seems 37,000 nailgun users can't hit the nail on the head.

Don Imus

2007-04-13T09:01:00.000-06:00

Not for what he said, but for ever thinking he was funny at all.

Paul Wolfowitz

2007-04-13T08:57:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the load delay. Let's get back to business.

Did anyone see The Office last week when Michael comes into Jan's office to discuss a raise and he threatens to withhold sex if he doesn't get it? Anyone think this went down like that?

Equal

2007-04-06T15:03:00.004-06:00

The is-it-really-sugar argument heads to court next week as Equal tries to take down Splenda in a desperate attempt to regain supremecy in the artificial sweetener market.

Let's all be honest here and admit both of these products have a certain Soylent Green quality about them.

Lenten rituals

2007-04-06T13:52:00.000-06:00

Happy Good Friday.

Seven crazy Filipino's in a northern Philippine village had their palms and feet nailed to a cross today with 4-inch nails soaked in alcohol during a reenactment of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

According to ABC news, earlier in the day, "dozens of half-naked men hit their backs with bamboo sticks dangling from a rope in a flagellation rite meant to atone for sins."

If it's OK with all of you, I'll be sticking to chocolate eggs and a little brunch on Sunday.

Tori Spelling

2007-04-06T13:35:00.000-06:00

Tori spelling announced today that the feud with her mother is over. What other pathetically uninteresting story will we latch on to in order to avoid big problems like Iraq or global warming?

Miami

2007-04-05T15:09:00.000-06:00

Miami is housing registered sex offenders under a bridge that links Miami and Miami Beach. Makes you wonder where they're putting murderers.

Kirk Kerkorian

2007-04-05T14:06:00.000-06:00

Billionaire Kirk Kerkorian is proposing to pay $4.5 billion in cash for Chrysler, proving my point yet again...billionaires are clearly out of things to buy. Maybe Neiman Marcus should send them some new catalogs or something.

Alaska

2007-04-05T13:51:00.000-06:00

Why would near-record cold in Alaska make news? If this were, say, Key West, I could see it, but isn't Alaska always cold? Over dinner tonight, do me a favor and ask your dinner companions if they think global warming is contributing to the cold in Alaska, let me know what they say.

Keith Richards

2007-04-04T09:46:00.000-06:00

Suggestion (from my genetic origin, aka mom!)

Here's one way to escape the nose of Keith Richards: Space Burial. I think James "Scotty" Doohan (among several others who chose space burials) knew it was the only way to protect their remains from being snorted by Rolling Stone Keith Richards.

Sam Zell

2007-04-04T09:42:00.000-06:00

When you think of Sam Zell, think innovation. Here's to your future, Tribune.

An avid reader of newspapers who doesn't read news online or own a BlackBerry, Zell believes quality "relevant" content is the key to Tribune's future, whether it is on television, in newspapers or online.

Snow

2007-04-03T19:09:00.000-06:00

Snow in April. Joy.

George Bush

2007-04-03T15:37:00.000-06:00

In the wake of the Supreme Counrt ruling that government must regulate greenhouse gases, George says he takes climate change "very seriously." Really? Let's take a look at his record.

FCC

2007-04-03T15:16:00.000-06:00

The FCC took another hard line against the use of cell phones on commercial airliners with some of their logic apparently came from the Flight Attendants Union who said, "The introduction of cell phone use in the cabin will not only increase tension among passengers, it will compromise flight attendants' ability to maintain order in an emergency. Cell phone use could also enable terrorists to coordinate a plan of action more effectively." "

You know, I flew from SFO to ORD last night and the only tension I had was from the nasty flight attendant who wouldn't get me another pair of headphones even though mine didn't have any foam around the ear pieces and who wouldn't believe me when I said I could only hear Miss Potter in Spanish on my crappy entertainment unit. Do us all a favor and get back to selling your $5 snack boxes and leave national security and safety decisions to others.

Astronauts

2007-03-30T07:01:00.000-06:00

First, they have sex and stalk one another, now they're running marathons from space. Was I the only one thinking there was real experiments and scientific study going on in space? Someone please get these folks something to do.

Halle Berry

2007-03-29T20:37:00.000-06:00

Guess she was depressed and suicidal -- but let's not forget the good old days when she just tried to run people over.

Tribune

2007-03-29T20:33:00.000-06:00

If I were a billionaire, I think I would buy another boat or island before I'd buy this dinosaur. A company's demise shouldn't be allowed to take this long.

Flaming space junk

2007-03-28T08:50:00.001-06:00

Like I needed something else to worry about when I fly, flaming space junk from a Russian satellite narrowly missed hitting a Chilean airliner over the Pacific Ocean last night.

This phenomena appears to have a name: Premature deorbitization. Ask your doctor if flying is right for you.

Lee Vista Chevron gas station in Orlando

2007-03-27T15:40:00.001-06:00

These scumbags are charging $3.79 a gallon without any signage to indicate their incredibly inflated we're-across-the-street-from-Hertz pricing. Is it any wonder that the Chevron CEO received a 2006 compensation package valued at $13.5 million?

Make sure you stay away next time you visit Orlando.

Julie Roehm

2007-03-27T14:02:00.000-06:00

Try to look beyond this tantalizing Wal-Mart lawsuit that alleges ethical violations, favoritism and affairs with subordinates and focus on where Julie is now.

"Since Julie was fired from her $325,000-a-year position, Mike says the couple has been living off retirement accounts and their children's college funds."

I'm sorry, have you thought about maybe getting another job or does unethical behavior just come that easy?

Frogwatch

2007-03-27T08:17:00.000-06:00

The Australian environmental group, Frogwatch, has captured the largest cane toad specimen ever found in Australia. The cane toad is not indigenous to Australia and apparently has wrecked havoc on their ecosystem, and Frogwatch plans to kill this football-sized toad along with any others they find. While I understand what they're trying to do, isn't there a zoo somewhere willing to give this guy a home?

People who fall off cruise ships

2007-03-26T21:05:00.000-06:00

Anyone notice the rise in the number of people "falling off" cruise ships lately? Jumping, stumbling or pushing, maybe, but there's no "falling" going on here.

The latest pair to "fall" into the Gulf of Mexico have asked that their circumstances remain private and requested that no personal information be released. I'm sure the other 2,781 passengers on board will keep their secret.

Esmail Zanjani

2007-03-26T10:11:00.000-06:00

Scientists at the University of Nevada are engineering partially human frankensheep for human organ transplant. While I personally find these kinds of deliberate mutations terrifying, it does seem like a waste to just use them for transplants. Hell, at 15 percent human, this sheep could outsmart our current president.

Katie Couric

2007-03-26T08:15:00.000-06:00

You had to think the John and Elizabeth Edwards were hoping for a somewhat sympathetic ear when they chose Katie Couric to give their first interview after announcing that Elizabeth's cancer had returned. What they got instead was a barrage of negative suggestion that they had made the wrong decision in allowing John to continue his presidential bid.

To suggest that John Edwards can't do the job because, "The president can not be distracted by caring about his wife's situation" strikes me as hypocritical question for Katie to ask, who last I remember, continued her job on the Today Show during her husband's battle with colon cancer. I also vaguely remember Today dedicating a week to Katie undergoing the first-ever televised colonoscopy. All good work at the time, but also a ratings winner, wouldn't you say?

Katie, you of all people should know the good that can come from people in power battling cancer or other diseases, but if you're going to insinuate that the Edwards are capitalizing on such tragic news, maybe you should look in the mirror at your own career.

China

2007-03-23T14:07:00.000-06:00

It's not enough for you to have dogs on the menu? Do you think that your industrialization could lend itself to not sending us poisonous wheat? Clearly all I have our questions, except to say that I'm done, done, done with China.

Mel Gibson

2007-03-23T14:01:00.000-06:00

Sounds like Mel went a little crazy on a Cal State professor last night. Dude's got some rage issues. Can an another outburst from Michael Richards be far behind?

Pat

2007-03-22T17:25:00.000-06:00

My friend Pat makes TL today for thinking that "Spotted Dick" is an appropriate gift to a) give anyone, let alone his newly married friend and b) give them while waiting in line for the monorail at Walt Disney World.

There are now children forever scarred by their Disney experience just by having been next to us and a can of "Spotted Dick."

Sealers

2007-03-22T08:13:00.000-06:00

The hunt is near and sealers claim their side of the story is not being heard.

I just don't think a "traditional way of life" can justify this, and the truth is, times change and it's time for Canada to realize that.

Please do your part and say enough is enough.

Premiere

2007-03-21T21:21:00.000-06:00

A surprising as it was to me that anyone has read this magazine since Chris Connelly left in 1996, Hachette is shutting down the print edition of movie magazine Premiere and moving the title online believing internet publishing is a cheaper alternative.

Give it up, Hachette. Dynamic entertainment sites don't come cheap unless you plan to maintain your unoriginal content (entertainment content is a commodity now) and amateur design (if you look at it long enough, you can see a Tetris game).

Sad fact about the Internet: Dead brands get a longer shelf life.

Uganda

2007-03-21T19:41:00.000-06:00

The Ugandan government has approved the clearance of thousands of acres of protected rainforest for a sugar plantation. The government is seeking permission to clear around 7,000 of 30,000 hectares (that's 17,000 - 74,000 acres to you and me) in the Mabira Forest Reserve.

Now might be a good time to write some letters and make some donations.

MLB

2007-03-21T19:03:00.000-06:00

MLB gets a nod today for demanding unattainable carriage requirements for The Baseball Channel. I'm not even a baseball fan, but I know greed when I see it.

24

2007-03-21T14:25:00.001-06:00

Suggestion

A good show, but every week, they torture someone, and every week it works.

Frank Albrecht

2007-03-20T17:15:00.000-06:00

So animal activists are out of causes and need to focus on euthanizing this polar bear?

Look, I agree that zoos require a lot of scrutiny and oversight to make sure a larger educational mission is being served, but let's face it, this bear was never going back to the wild. Let him live and maybe some child somewhere will see him and find inspiration to take up a career in environmental science.

Menu Foods

2007-03-20T17:06:00.000-06:00

A Chicago woman is suing Menu Foods claiming the company's recall came two weeks after nine cats died during routine company taste tests of its products. Her suit seeks class-action status and not a minute too soon since nobody should lose a pet over this kind of inaction and negligence.

Go get 'em, Dawn!

George Bush

2007-03-20T17:03:00.000-06:00

I'll go out on a limb here and say this won't be the first time Bush makes Total Load. Bush is intent on defending Attorney General Alberto Gonzales saying, "There is no indication [after reviewing the matter] that anyone did anything improper."

Well, if that's true, then there shouldn't be any problem saying that under oath, right?

Jim Cramer

2007-03-20T15:30:00.000-06:00

"Booyah" might have a whole new meaning in the pokey, Jim.

Genes

2007-03-20T15:25:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

Genes cause everything from Autism to El Nino. We get it. Now shut up.

Adjustable Rate Mortgages

2007-03-20T15:19:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

Yes, these homeowners signed contracts that they really couldn't afford or even understand. But I sincerely doubt that anyone at the bank mentioned that to these future former-homeowners as their lending agents mentally counted their sales commissions.

Time Magazine

2007-03-20T15:10:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

Between this week's Reagan tear cover, that idiotic "You" person-of-the-year mirror issue and an overrated redesign, they're on my last nerve.

TigerDirect.com

2007-03-20T15:08:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

These thieving bastards asked for the last 4 digits of my SSN at the end of the credit card checkout flow to "speed confirmation." It was totally optional, but it certainly didn't look that way unless you took the time to read the rest of the page. Combine that with a quick trip to Ancestry.com to get my mom's maiden name, and some thief could be swimming in stolen plasma TV's on my dime.

Dick Cheney

2007-03-20T15:01:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

The US is just one heartbeat away from having a fatter version of Emperor Palpatine as our commander in chief. Never thought I'd be grateful for George Bush, but I sincerely hope W makes it to Jan. 2009 lest we find out how fragile our country really is.

Orbitz

2007-03-20T14:52:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

The Orbitz this-is-the-price-but-it's-not-really price matrix.

Last time I checked, tax wasn't optional, and displaying the price in big bold text before taxes and fees is simply annoyingly and intentionally misleading. Orbitz used to have the integrity to display the entire price up front, but clearly other players in the travel market forced them to break it out to look competitive.

Runner up: Any airline that posts one-way prices for round-trip tickets. Who the hell flies one way? (That you'd want to sit next to on a plane.)

Mark McGrath

2007-03-20T14:51:00.000-06:00

Suggestion

Every time I see him on Extra, I think about when he was in Sugar Ray. I'm not sure if it was a sell-out or a brilliant career move for an aging pop star. Either way, he's annoying.

Jen

2007-03-20T14:48:00.000-06:00

I'm back! Sorry for the lull in loads, I was at Disney World. In my absence, I've gotten some fine suggestions that I will attribute as "suggestion" at the top of new, suggested loads.

Steve Bartelstein

2007-03-15T13:12:00.000-06:00

Glad to see television viewers aren't the only ones bored by TV news.

The Pentagon

2007-03-14T19:46:00.000-06:00

The Pentagon officially said that some of the violence in Iraq can be described as a civil war. They followed up the report with news that the sky is blue, the earth revolves around the sun and that dinosaurs once roamed the planet.

Alberto Gonzales

2007-03-14T19:39:00.000-06:00

Here's a nice photo of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales firing a random White House press corp reporter. OK, that's not true, but under the Patriot Act, I bet it's possible.

Chiquita

2007-03-14T19:28:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry, did I miss something and there's a big cocaine shortage in Colombia and all that's left are bananas?

Truth be told, I feel bad for Chiquita as it appears its goal was to project their employees. Still, I couldn't resist the opportunity to use this picture from Don Hertzfeldt's Rejected, one of the best animated films of all time.

Yoda

2007-03-14T18:53:00.000-06:00

After watching all six Star Wars movies at least ten times each this month on HBO, I've come a painful conclusion: Yoda is useless. It seems to me the only time Yoda has any real insight is after something has already happened. He doesn't learn from the past, has no awareness of what's going on around him, can't see into the future to stop the events already in motion, then masks all of these deficiencies with pompous rhetoric. Useless, I say.

Doug Taron

2007-03-13T15:20:00.000-06:00

If you read this story, you might assume that cicadas are the loads here or maybe even the Ravinia Festival for trying to outsmart the insects. You would be wrong. The load here is actually Doug Taron, cicada sympathizer and Chicago's Notebaert Nature Museum curator of biology, who says, "They're really cool to watch. They have these bright red eyes. And you can eat them."

What's wrong with you, dude?

The Washington Post

2007-03-13T14:52:00.000-06:00

The Washington Post's foreign desk is appealing for help in Iraq. Here's part of the job description, with some clarifications in case you're interested.

The work involves long days (which could become months or even years since this war may never end), reporting on topics that are opaque (like, say, roadside bombs), working in an environment where mobility is limited (mobility is limited in a casket, that's true) and hazards ever-present (pick out your casket before you come.)"

Sounds great. Let me get Bob Woodruff's opinion and get back to you.

Viacom

2007-03-13T14:31:00.000-06:00

Viacom filed a $1 billion copyright lawsuit against YouTube and corporate owner Google Inc. on Tuesday alleging YouTube "harnessed technology to willfully infringe copyrights on a huge scale" and had "brazen disregard" of intellectual property laws.

It's sad that Viacom doesn't recognize the viral marketing capabilities YouTube brings to mediocre television programming. But hey, neither did Sony back in the day.

My advice: Find a way to play nice, Viacom. Your world won't shatter if I can watch "I Love New York" highlights on YouTube.

Fred Thompson

2007-03-12T20:38:00.000-06:00

I actually like this guy as an actor, but I draw the line at higher office. The only way I'll support him is if someone promises me he will look at Obama and Hilary and say, "You see, lettuce is a perishable item... like you two monkeys." Enjoy the random "Days of Thunder" quote, it's on me.

Lactose Intolerence

2007-03-12T20:37:00.000-06:00

The reason for the lack of posts today.

Osama

2007-03-10T16:33:00.000-06:00

Another birthday passes for Osama. We should really get back to looking for this guy.

Billionaires

2007-03-09T14:38:00.001-06:00

Why are they Loads? OK, they're not. I'm just jealous.

Robert Mueller

2007-03-09T14:06:00.000-06:00

In a shocking conclusion to its investigation, the Justice Department has found that the FBI illegally used the Patriot Act to obtain personal information about people in the United States without proper authorization. Robert Mueller's take is accountability without resignation (i.e. I'll fix it, but I'm staying). And why would you resign, Bob? You're employed in a time when there are no consequences for illegal government action -- just the way the Bush Administration likes it.

BattleCry

2007-03-09T13:24:00.000-06:00

Pssssst, after party in the Castro, pass it on...

Good times to be had in San Francisco this weekend as ultra-conservative teenagers descend on the city for an event called, "BattleCry."

The New York Times reports, "This culture is really hammering this generation," said Ron Luce, the founder of Teen Mania, the Texas-based ministry that sponsors and promotes BattleCry. "Whether it’s being accosted with horrible sexually suggestive messages or the garbage in the video game world, corporate America is raping and pillaging American teenagers. And everyone is just walking by."

Not to be outdone by corporate America, BattleCry attendees will be raped and pillaged a $45 to $99 admission fee.

Canada

2007-03-08T19:27:00.000-06:00

The largest marine mammal hunt in the world will get underway in a few weeks. While there are many worthwhile wildlife-related causes, this hunt has come to symbolize how insensitive man can truly be.

In the U.S., many restaurants and grocery store chains (like Whole Foods) are boycotting Canadian seafood, while other countries move to ban imported seal products entirely. Progress has been made, but the hunt continues, so show your support.

The Secret

2007-03-08T15:55:00.000-06:00

I visualize a time when people aren't gullible enough to spend $29.95 on common sense theories. Positive thought is certainly a great motivator, but apparently so is greed.

FEMA

2007-03-08T14:31:00.000-06:00

FEMA is almost too easy a target, but here they go again.

The Associated Press reports that FEMA will auction off thousands of trailers used by victims of Hurricane Katrina, "raising fears among mobile-home dealers that the government will flood the market and depress prices."

I really didn't think it was possible to "depress" the mobile home market, but the story goes on to say that bids so far have ranged from, "$5,191 for a 2006 Coachmen Spirit of America trailer with possible water damage and a missing stove grate, battery and other items, to $12,600 for a 2006 Sunnybrook RV Sunset Creek trailer with no obvious exterior damage."

Thanks for the bargain, FEMA, but since your usual bureaucracy doesn't allow these trailers to go to other areas ravaged by natural disaster, we'll just have to hope a tornado drops your mobile homes in front of someone in need.

Welcome

2007-03-08T14:20:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the first edition of Total Load.

Total Load has been an idea-in-the-making for many years now and comes from my continued annoyance at how ridiculous the world is getting. Each day, or as often as they surface, we'll add a new Load to discuss.

Feel free to send me suggestions, and by all means, please comment on my selections.